And i guess thats where i am this year, lets face it, im not even gonna hide it.

If you’ve been randomly reading this blog, you might as well be warned now, cos the depression isnt leaving anytime soon.

I feel like ive been so occupied, stuffed with things i gotta do, projects, hw, extra projects and all i really wanna do is spend some quality time with the one girl i love but thats the exact thing that i cant do.

Ironic isnt it? yeah.

And all of this to say, i dont really know what to make of this year so far.
It plain sucks and im just gonna put it that way for now.

I think there are many emotions that the english language cannot express, but it can with music.
And thats perhaps what i’ll be doing all of this year, writing and writing and singing and singing.

Cos what can you do with a situation you can’t change but to face it at face value, and take that energy to create something new, something better. something honest.

So.

I’m planning on grabbing my boys to join me in this EP project.
Let me know if you want a copy of it then.

I promise you my random readers, its not gonna be 100% depression, but like me, these songs have ups and downs, honest, wrong assumptions, and recorded surprises and joy, passion and pain,

and most of all,

a desperate sense of hope.

“Pain throws your heart to the ground, Love turns the whole thing around, no it dont all go the way it should, but i know the heart of life is good.” -J. Mayer – Heart of Life

At the end of the day, i come to confirm that none of those things are important, you win some you lose some.

But what matters most are the people around you,

It’s “friends, lovers or nothing”. although try to broaden lovers to family and this person we call Jesus.
Life is sorta short, its not a depressing thought, just a coming to terms with.

As John Mayer tweeted, “Happiness DOES NOT mean everythings perfect, it just means uve decided to look past the imperfections.. “
So this brings me to the haircut part. Ive come to grow less and less concerned about my hairstyle.. (that is until i start balding.. o god)

But ive really come to a point where i dont hold hair products as a gem anymore, i dont quite know what i want to do with my hair anymore.

And so i decided to cut the rest of the longer parts, so its just normal now. and i think i like it that way.

Sickness and hair all come and go. and frankly, so will i.

But i guess what matters are the memories and shared moments with other people,

they’re good energy passed from one to another, taking on new form, new words, new meaning, and it’ll keep going.

So what are you? or more so, what does that make me?

I’m not quite sure, but in some weird way I’ve been able to endure pass my depression and down times. Yeah sometimes i remember i dont get much time with the person i love and care about alot, and im pretty sure she isnt thinking about me, but im almost fine with that now.
You can say i almost dont care as much anymore, not that i dont care about her, but i dont care about the situation as much anymore. These days must come, and it’ll only get harder. But theres only so much i can do and then come to realize, if none of it is accepted or needed, then its useless too.
I need to engage the things that are before me as well. The challenges, the learning curves, the opportunities to grow. My world is changing, as is hers, of course i want to be in hers but i must also remember to know and understand the changing nature of mine.

We will find time to have time together again, sometime.

It makes sense, most of us come across seasons where were so overcome by whats before us that we forget all else thats around.
But she’ll find out, that when all the clouds have passed over her, I’ll still be there, just where i was before.

Waiting for my

Time

is a tough thing to deal with. But it takes time to understand this.
But she will know how i felt one day, and she will also know that i made it through, and i still care deeply, in time.

Just 20 years old and i never thought i’d come to this day, but oh how much simpler things looked before 20. We find older adults or people sneering at young carefree teens, but i wonder if were just jealous that things are simpler for them?

I wonder what this year will be like, and what will it bring.
And for that, only time can tell.

now i’m not saying i have it worse than anyone else, i got things pretty good, but i’m just not really upthere these days.
My natural character is mellow, im often thoughtful more than active, i think before i say things.

But there are many days when i just find nothing really to look forward to or to celebrate, and perhaps thats where the problem is.

Because perhaps i’m forgetting to celebrate and look forward to the very thing that exists right now, and that is life.
Most Christians would tell me to take joy in the eternal life, and that is also something i need to take joy in.

But i need to celebrate life now, I need to remember all the good things that have happened, because they are proof that good things can still come our way.
Life is not without disappointment and fears.

The world needs more optimistic people, not the bluntly ignorant naive kind, but the honest, brave and courageous type who know the realities, struggle but continue to press forward towards a better day.

You wonder why I always end up convincing myself to not be depressed when i blog, its cos when i type, I see myself speak, and i can come to analyze and rethink my thinking.

So that’s my goal this school year.

Strive to be truly joyous

But i can always use your hand on my back

Yes, as most people that know me well would know, i start to shut off the summer me and the depressed/tired/depressed me resurfaces.
And while i’m striving to prevent such a routine, the tough year that i knew would be coming is coming. perhaps its even here.
Everything comes and goes, those good moments come and go.

Looking at my church, people come and go, people serving in ministries come and go off to other things, and while im realizing this, i also know i am in motion.

Perhaps i must also move on, let go of the short sweet summer moments that we wished would last, because i am reminded that i must look forward to anticipate the greater things to come. I must prepare for what God is about to do in my life this “year”. To my knowledge, it will have to be obstacles and tough terrains that strengthen these legs for the bigger journeys ahead.

I’m anticipating moments and seasons where it feels as if all things are stripped away from me. Yeah im getting ready for that as well.
Because life isn’t really easy is it. Things aren’t as simple as they seem.

These years, these days will mark the turning point of the man i become.

So God i’m asking you,

would you make me, a great man?

One that rises and falls, and then rises again.
One that comes and goes, only to come again.
One that doesn’t give up easily, but gives easily.

It’s definitely Fall now and i can feel it coming.

I see lovers in the streets walking without a care
They wear it out loud like there's something in the air
Well I don't care
They're treading lightly, no they don't sink in
There's no tracks to follow
They don't care where they're going
And if they're lucky they'll get to see
And if they're really, really lucky they'll get to feel

And it kicks so hard it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, hits your soul
Tears your skin and makes your blood flow
It's better that you know
That love is hard.

Love takes hostages and gives them pain,
Gives someone the power to hurt you again and again
But they don't care

And if they're lucky they'll get to see
And if they're really, really lucky they'll get to feel
And if they're truly blessed then they'll get to believe
And if you're damned you'll never let yourself be deceived

And it kicks so hard it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, hits your soul
Tears your skin and makes your blood flow
It's better that we know
That love is hard.

It kicks so hard it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, hits your soul
Tears your skin and makes your blood flow
It's better that we know
It kicks so hard it breaks your bones
Cuts so deep, hits your soul
Tears your skin and makes your blood flow
It's better that we know
That love is hard

If it was easy it wouldn't mean nothing no.

Does it mean we shouldn’t try at all?

Because if one person cares about the other enough, they will try all they can, even knowing in the back of their heads that it wont work, that things won’t get better. Everyone has a different way to express or not express in that case. Some need to whine a bit, call for attention, and that is totally okay in my opinion, while others escape into their own space hoping never to be bothered.

That’s what makes me wonder about Jesus. Was it hopeful for Jesus to know, that by His death on the cross, all people will be saved, and the failing world restored one day. Was that what drove Him? knowing that there is an answer to the countless questions we have, and that answer is Himself.

Perhaps this is where I find the meaning of the word freedom. Freedom not in knowing I’m done exams and free to do what ever the hell I want, but a freedom that is in knowing I have opportunities to make a difference in the world, in lives of people I love, and maybe even in the ones i dont know. The freedom maybe exists in being able to do something about it. We are not held back by doubt and fear. Freedom perhaps is the product of the courage and love we show.
Freedom also felt best being held tight by the person you love most.
One of the many ironies in life that I love to remain as is, because it doesnt make sense and it does.
Freedom to give love, and receive love.

That for me, is the most complex simplicity in the world. 

And as John Mayer says, “I believe that my life’s gonna see the love I give return to me”.

They don’t care about you now
No not the way I do
I see you beyond the crowds.
I know you touched my cloak.

You don’t need to be afraid
Yeah, You got a lot of faith.
I know you want more than this,
Yeah, I know you want it all.

So won’t you stand up now
Just look me in the eyes
When it’s you and me, with no time or place
In your space

You don’t care about me now
No not the way you used to.
I don’t see you anymore
Do you still remember me?

Won’t you turn and look to me
I see beyond your doubts
You know I want more than this.
Yeah, you know I want it all.

So won’t you stand up now
Just look me in the eyes
So won’t you stand up now
Just look me in the eyes 
When it’s you and me, with no time or place
In your space